Guest post: flash fiction "Mr. President" by Mariya Khandros
"Step three, die alone, but as a hero, having liberated America from its most embarrassing political episode." - Mariya Khandros
Occasionally on “when hope writes” I’ll publish guest posts by brilliant artists and writers. If you want to be a guest blogger on my Substack, please connect with me on LinkedIn or my website.
Today I’m sharing a hilarious, satirical, transporting speculative fiction piece titled “Mr. President” by the talented, keen, imaginative writer Mariya Khandros. This is Mariya’s first publication, so please do give her a round of applause for her writing and courage!
Mr. President
As we approached the Interspace Travel Agency, I recited my to-do list in my head like a mantra. Step one, kidnap president (check!). Step two, buy tickets to the furthest reach of the galaxy (in progress). Step three, die alone, but as a hero, having liberated America from its most embarrassing political episode.
We made an odd trio. I was dressed in black Techwear™, which disguised a bulletproof membrane and an array of weapons. My human hostage wore a black three-piece tuxedo, with long coattails, looking more like a concert pianist than a politician. The third member of our party was a green parrot with red-tipped wings, who was sitting on the man’s shoulder. A thin gold chain connected the parrot’s foot to the man’s lapel pin. I wished I was a Killer™ so I could use that chain to strangle it.
As we stepped inside the Interspace Travel Agency, the electro-curtain sealed the entrance behind us. Whoosh! There was no turning back.
Inside, advertisements lined the walls. A three-dimensional Public Service Announcement invited individuals to volunteer for the armed forces. Win wars from your couch! Drones do all the fighting! All you have to do is enter a death lottery with a mere forty percent chance of losing! They omitted the suicide rate. A poster on the other wall peddled an equally questionable offer. “Tired of not having your voice heard? For a mere $99.99 we can increase the efficacy of your Constitutional Rights™ by 30%!”
The Travel Agent, as barely visible behind the glowing lights and dancing text. “Hello. My…uncle and I are trying to get to the outer colonies. Do you have any trips leaving immediately?” I had ten minutes before everyone’s attention span reset and someone might start missing the president.
“Let’s see.” The Agent pressed an opal on her middle finger to retract her GlitterNails to a typing length. “We have a few trips out on Bezos Space Craft. Identification please?”
I handed over the forged documents while trying to strategically block the Man and Parrot from her view. If nothing distracted her, she wasn’t scheduled to move for another eight minutes and thirty-two seconds.
“SQUAAAK! California is voting to secede!” I really wanted to strangle that parrot.
The Agent glanced up from her screen and her smile froze. Crap.
“Mmmmm....Mister...Mister President!!!”
I pulled out my HeatSig. “No one move! This is a kidnapping! You! Book us a flight, this instant. You two!” I shouted waving my gun at the man and his parrot. “Don’t even think about escaping. This weapon does not miss!”
The Travel Agent was unfazed. She gave me a long, exhausted glare, unwrapped a red, white and blue lollipop shaped like a star and winked at my hostages. “You know what they say, The Product is the Message© and this is my small show of support for you, Mr. President.”
In my irritation, I mumbled, “The medium is the message…”
“Whatever, I know my Shakespeare.” She handed me a receipt. “Please review your order.”
Code 144-K, Kidnapping, Destination: Any Remote Colony. Departure Time: 15.20 American Corporate Time. Bezos Space Corp thanks you for flying with us.
Step two—check.
On to step three—to die as a hero. See, the first part is so easy! We will all do it one day. But to be sure you’re a hero of a story, you had to tell it yourself.
“You know why I’m doing this, don’t you?” I wasn’t sure if I was addressing myself to the man or the Travel Agent. “The future of our country cannot be derailed by a prank. You know it was a prank, don’t you?” This time I was only addressing the Agent.
“Oh bless your heart, sweetie pie! I know. Not only do I know, I took time off work. I made popcorn. I forwarded, posted, and shared that viral message. And then I watched the entire five hours of the Greatest American Election Show just so I could call in and vote for this President. He was the most entertaining act!” She flashed a sweet-as-molasses smile and went back to typing.
“I’m sorry, Sir,” It was the first time I heard the man speak. His voice was deep, resonant and soothing. “The election result was disappointing to many. But as our New and Improved Constitution™ states—the most lucrative political outcome is the most popular. And the most popular is usually the most entertaining. This truth is fundamental to our political process. I do my best to bear my burden of serving the Republic in my humble way. Perhaps you would find some peace if you could do the same?”
I was almost taken in by his reassuring tone. But I couldn’t get past the damn bird. “Do you take it into the National Security Council? Don’t you realize it could spill our national secrets?”
As if on cue: “BRAAAAK!!! The Xino-African States are planning an invasion of Russo-Stan.”
“It makes us fools! We look like…The Pirates of the Caribbean! Eccentric European Royalty! I just want our country to be respected again!” I wanted to yell some reason into him when…
BOOM! A loud explosion shook the whole building. “Secret Service! No one move!”
I looked at the Agent. She looked smug and waved the lollipop at me. “Secure-pops! Secret Service keeps all Travel Agencies stocked. They’re like an emergency flare.”
All my bravado evaporated. I collapsed on the floor.
The man walked over and patted me on the shoulder. “Young man, I can tell that there’s so much you want to share. And there’s a whole audience that can’t wait to hear it! You’re bright, you’re healthy, you probably have both kidneys—there’s so much of you that could have been licensed to earn enough for a spot on the Election Show.” He smiled kindly. I smiled back.
A Secret Service agent ran over and cradled the bird in his hands. “Carter! Over here. The President of the United States is safe. He just wants a cracker.”
Mariya Khandros is a West Philadelphian who loves to write, read and watch speculative fiction. She believes stories are our most dangerous weapons so she writes to make the world a gentler place. When it comes to frivolous pursuits, Mariya is on a personal quest to make her incredible dog Nala a B-list neighborhood celebrity. This is Mariya’s first published fiction and she is grateful to make her debut in the welcoming and inclusive space of “when hope writes.”
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Thank you!
Hilarious! And scary because I sense it may be pretty close to truth in the near future.
A great short read! Definitely an unexpected twist at the end I wasn’t expecting but a humorous and entertaining story! Where can we show love to Mariya for sharing this story with us?