The elephant in the room
I used to think of my chronically ill state as an inherent part of me.
Dear hopeful reader,
The elephant in the room—or the elephant—is what my husband and I ‘fondly’ call my chronic condition(s). To make light of our unfortunate circumstance. To separate me from my physical struggling. To not fall apart. To stop resentment and guilt from creeping in.
I used to think of my chronically ill state as an inherent part of me. Each day was dictated by how I felt physically, and so did my limitations. So whenever my husband, who is also my caretaker in many ways, would express his overwhelm with our situation, I would retreat in defensiveness. I would feel guilty and like a burden.
It’s hard not to feel like a burden when you’re in chronic pain and dependent on someone to take care of you, when they have other responsibilities and needs of their own as well. You want them to be happy. You want them to be happy with someone else who’s healthy. No one should go through health problems in a marriage when they’re young, they should have regular problems and fights. That’s how I felt.
Sometimes a thought creeps in that my husband should be thriving with someone else, have a big house by now, start having children, maybe get a dog. From time to time, I tell him that he has earned that right, that I wouldn’t blame him if he leaves me. He deserves to be happy. With or without me.
He recites all the ways I make him happy. My delicious cooking (his words, I swear). My positive, kind nature (I’m sorry for tooting my own horn here). My silliness and jokes. Fun times together. I let him be him and free. I encourage his creativity and root for him. He would only want to be with me, or my clone.
And I too can’t imagine my life without him. He’s my rock, and the best man ever for me. He’s compassionate, understanding, and patient. He accepts me as I am and talks through our problems with me. He protects and advocates for me. He knows I’m an introvert and a freedom lover, so he lets me be me and free too.
It took me years to actually hear him. Having removed the defensiveness, listening intently, I started hearing his struggles as my caretaker. I told the guilt and offendedness I felt to shut up for a second. I centered him, at his most vulnerable state, instead of my own, as much as I struggle too. And I heard him. I empathized, and cried inside, because he suffers too, just differently. Can I ever experience what he’s going through and vice versa? I doubt it. But we do our best to feel and support each other.
What helped us the most is to think of my chronically ill condition as something outside of me, outside of our control, something that’s there, a sad and funny nuisance to us both, but it’s not because of me, it’s just what is. This allowed me to eventually stop feeling guilty and like a burden. This allowed him to not associate my illnesses with me, thus not resenting me—not that he ever did. We made a pact to call it the elephant (in the room). It works for us, because we both agreed on it.
I’m fully aware that my chronic conditions are a part of me. I’m reminded of that with all-day-long pain, after all. But imagining it as a figurative elephant that resides in our home, I disassociate myself from the burden of carrying all the suffering each day. I empower myself with as much confidence, peace, and acceptance as I can muster in the state I’m in. And I allow myself to be happy and free, even with my limitations. By doing so, I can now support my husband too, emotionally and physically how ever I can. We shoulder each other’s overwhelms together.
If there’s something that overwhelms you in your everyday life, try to imagine it as an elephant in the room. See if that helps to unburden your load a bit.
Yours hopefully,
Nadia
PS: giveaway contest
I’m still doing a giveaway contest of a phenomenal poetry book. I’m gifting a copy of BURN THE WITCH by Aïcha Martine to one lucky winner. The contest will run until April 25th, 2023, 9:00 AM (EST). Please read the post for instructions on how to participate in the giveaway and share it with other interested folks. Thanks so much!
Nadia, beautiful piece - well done. ALL of us are chronically 'something', and most of us are unfulfilled whether we are single or imperfectly coupled - and I'm certain 90% of those who are alone (or wish they were) would happily take vows of poverty to have what you have, because you and your husband are holding the grail in your hands. Lucky you. I'm sure every time anyone is told by a doctor that we have 'something we'll always have', it seems like the end of the world while we process the stages of anger - but then reality and acceptance take over and we 'manage living with what we are living with', and the sun comes up again tomorrow, and the day after that.
I've been a follower of yours for a short time, but I'm not going anywhere.
Cheers,
Mark
p.s. you didn't mention what your chronic condition is, and I'm not trying to pry - but here's a thought for you - maybe as a gift for hubby sometime, get someone to step in to help you for a few days and send him camping, or golfing, 'whatever' with his buddies, and you'll both get a change of scenery
Very beautiful piece. I also suffer from a disease that will never go away, nor is there a cure (as you may know). My husband was with me before I was diagnosed and when I was diagnosed. He has been a blessing and a half. He has never changed his passion, attention, devotion, love for me and believe me, he could have and I would not have had anyone to blame but myself. We call out my demon or monster because you know I love my horror. HA!
So much patience, conversation, observation must be had. He is also my rock, my second pair of eyes. Lover, advocate. It is a something more powerful than a blessing. I've read too many stories about partners leaving because it is too much. Most fold immediately. For many reasons I am sure. Not addressing the "elephant in the room" never helps.