Nadia, beautiful piece - well done. ALL of us are chronically 'something', and most of us are unfulfilled whether we are single or imperfectly coupled - and I'm certain 90% of those who are alone (or wish they were) would happily take vows of poverty to have what you have, because you and your husband are holding the grail in your hands. Lucky you. I'm sure every time anyone is told by a doctor that we have 'something we'll always have', it seems like the end of the world while we process the stages of anger - but then reality and acceptance take over and we 'manage living with what we are living with', and the sun comes up again tomorrow, and the day after that.
I've been a follower of yours for a short time, but I'm not going anywhere.
Cheers,
Mark
p.s. you didn't mention what your chronic condition is, and I'm not trying to pry - but here's a thought for you - maybe as a gift for hubby sometime, get someone to step in to help you for a few days and send him camping, or golfing, 'whatever' with his buddies, and you'll both get a change of scenery
Aww, thank you Mark for being here and your thoughtful response. It's definitely a practice to feel okay in the situation we are in. But we are together and we support each other. So it's not as horrible. I feel absolutely sadness for anyone who's alone without any proper support system. That is tragic.
Oh absolutely, I encourage him to get away any time he wants to. I also welcome it because I need a few days a year to have a solo party hahaha. Fortunately, we're at this stage in our life where I'm more or less able to be left alone for longer periods of time, as I don't have as many emergencies now and medicine is more accessible (via telemedicine for instance) and so are groceries (via delivery). KNOCK ON WOOD.
I have endometriosis, migraines, some autoimmune condition (we have to get to the bottom of what it is), healed from Lyme but symptoms may be lingering, and after my recent visit to a new doctor, I may have small fiber neuropathy which I never heard of, but it explains all the symptoms I have. The latter condition is caused by diabetes or an autoimmune condition and often happens after a bout of virus.
Very beautiful piece. I also suffer from a disease that will never go away, nor is there a cure (as you may know). My husband was with me before I was diagnosed and when I was diagnosed. He has been a blessing and a half. He has never changed his passion, attention, devotion, love for me and believe me, he could have and I would not have had anyone to blame but myself. We call out my demon or monster because you know I love my horror. HA!
So much patience, conversation, observation must be had. He is also my rock, my second pair of eyes. Lover, advocate. It is a something more powerful than a blessing. I've read too many stories about partners leaving because it is too much. Most fold immediately. For many reasons I am sure. Not addressing the "elephant in the room" never helps.
I know about your situation and empathize with what you're going through. That must be difficult. I'm glad that you're not alone and your husband is so loving and supportive. It always saddens me to hear about families being torn apart from "the elephant." I don't blame anyone from leaving, as it's not easy to deal with. It makes me feel grateful that I have a solid support system.
I'm sorry for your chronic pain. I hope that you have more good days than bad and that by sharing and being honest with personal stories like this you take comfort in the support it brings.
And remember, your husband is your husband because he is your husband. You both found and chose to be with each other, which is wonderful.
Thank you so so much, Nathan. Your words are very comforting. Definitely, we sure did. After almost 10 years of trials and errors, it's safe to say, we're with each other for life.
Marriage really is "in sickness and in health," isn't it? I've thought about that a lot lately, both because of my own chronic back pain (which prevents me from writing sometimes, darnit!), and my husband's RA. We support each other as best we can. It's refreshing to read your honest words, Nadia, and know that others out there are trying to make the best of it, too.
I'm sorry you both have to deal with pains. I imagine the load is even tougher for families where both couples struggle. And I wish you both so much strength. I wanted to share a perspective as someone dealing with chronic pain but to also shed light on caretakers' struggles too. They deserve compassion and understanding as well.
Really beautiful story, Nadia ❤️💞 I wish I knew more about what you experience. But your husband was and is destined to you and you are each other’s story.
I appreciate you, Lara. Your sweet words warmed our hearts so much. I definitely think so too. After all the struggles, it was a heaven-sent for us to find each other.
I'm with you every step of the way through this piece, Nadia - the pain, the defensiveness, your husband's caretaking, the human cost of chronic illness, the 🐘 - I've seen and felt glimpses of all of these, not just through the last year of my husband's chronic illness, but a lifetime of chronic anxiety, and homophobia. I'm lighting a candle for each of us and joining their flames in a third for all people who experience this (I'm thinking/reminded of Lyle McKeany & his daughter too...) Peace and 💛 to you sweet Nadia.
I'm sorry for all the awful experiences you had to endure. And I wish you much strength and peace and light in your life. I know the bad comes, but I hope it doesn't stay for long.
I’m late to this piece, but it resonated so deeply, and I’m very thankful to you for sharing it. My other half lives with chronic pain, since being hit by a car over a decade ago—so I suppose I’m your husband in our situation. There’s definitely our life before, and our life after, clearly marked. Looking back, it’s been quite the dance that we’ve tried to choreograph—me trying not to be overbearing, to allow him his experience, to attend to him, but not to get lost in him. At times we manage really well, at others it’s like having a third person in the relationship; who neither of us want there (this is the elephant, I suppose). I wish you & your husband the very best, and take comfort that there are others out there, lovingly navigating these things.
I'm sorry you and your partner are in this situation. That can't be easy for either of you. And yes, I understand what you mean about a third person being in the relationship. Dang third wheel no one asked for. Haha! Much love and strength and patience to the both of you.
Nadia, I love this piece. It made me think of an older couple, probably in their late 80s, I saw in Portillo’s a few weeks back. She was using a walker, and he had an oxygen tank on wheels, and neither was getting around too well. I noticed them when he was helping her to stand. It was obviously difficult for them both, but she reached down to lift the tube for his oxygen, and they moved like either one would be lost without the other. I think some people would see this as sad. But I think that it's beautiful. These two people have someone willing to do whatever they need, regardless of how difficult it is for them. My wife Trina and I share this kind of love, and I think you and your husband do as well.
Dave, thank you for sharing that with me. It made me tear up. I feel sadness for their struggling, but maybe also comfort that they're together and helping each other. That's what partners should be doing for each other. I'm glad you and your wife share that kind of love full of compassion and support. That's always a blessing!
This was such a candid and hopeful piece of writing. So glad you have someone wonderful in your life who supports and understands you and I know you enough to know you are a great caretaker of him too in many ways I’m sure.
Nadia I hate that you are sick and suffer every day. Any chance you will ever get well? Not me either. I just have chronic absolutely unending back pain since labor or late pregnancy and lost my doctor when I moved I don’t think I can do it much longer….treat chronic pain now some of bitches doctors! But you sound worse than me and I am so sorry. And you have better coping skills! And wow you are a terrific and kind reader and inspiring. Thank you and may you heal or feel better today and tomorrow….
I'm so sorry you're dealing with the horrible pain and doctors who don't have your best interests in mind. It really helped me to look for doctors who are internists, or internal medics, or integrative doctors. Those who specialize in internal medicine seem to have a compassionate and holistic approach to healing. It did take me years to find good doctors, especially know how to find good doctors. I'm not sure if I ever will heal, but I'll keep hoping. If I can manage it better, it will be a blessing too. Sending you love and strength.
Thank you Nadia! I wish you a pain free elephant day tomorrow and an easy night, I am so happy you have a loving partner who is not going anywhere! So happy fur you for that. My daughter takes care of me a lot and I hate that but I cannot do a lot of things...I need a doctor before fall! Thanks for your tips. Is always lovely to talk to you!
Thank you so much, dear Jennifer! I wish you all the best too. May you find the right care and be relieved from pain. Your daughter is wonderful. I'm sure you both take good care of each other.
Nadia, beautiful piece - well done. ALL of us are chronically 'something', and most of us are unfulfilled whether we are single or imperfectly coupled - and I'm certain 90% of those who are alone (or wish they were) would happily take vows of poverty to have what you have, because you and your husband are holding the grail in your hands. Lucky you. I'm sure every time anyone is told by a doctor that we have 'something we'll always have', it seems like the end of the world while we process the stages of anger - but then reality and acceptance take over and we 'manage living with what we are living with', and the sun comes up again tomorrow, and the day after that.
I've been a follower of yours for a short time, but I'm not going anywhere.
Cheers,
Mark
p.s. you didn't mention what your chronic condition is, and I'm not trying to pry - but here's a thought for you - maybe as a gift for hubby sometime, get someone to step in to help you for a few days and send him camping, or golfing, 'whatever' with his buddies, and you'll both get a change of scenery
Aww, thank you Mark for being here and your thoughtful response. It's definitely a practice to feel okay in the situation we are in. But we are together and we support each other. So it's not as horrible. I feel absolutely sadness for anyone who's alone without any proper support system. That is tragic.
Oh absolutely, I encourage him to get away any time he wants to. I also welcome it because I need a few days a year to have a solo party hahaha. Fortunately, we're at this stage in our life where I'm more or less able to be left alone for longer periods of time, as I don't have as many emergencies now and medicine is more accessible (via telemedicine for instance) and so are groceries (via delivery). KNOCK ON WOOD.
I have endometriosis, migraines, some autoimmune condition (we have to get to the bottom of what it is), healed from Lyme but symptoms may be lingering, and after my recent visit to a new doctor, I may have small fiber neuropathy which I never heard of, but it explains all the symptoms I have. The latter condition is caused by diabetes or an autoimmune condition and often happens after a bout of virus.
Thank you so much for reading and your support!
Very beautiful piece. I also suffer from a disease that will never go away, nor is there a cure (as you may know). My husband was with me before I was diagnosed and when I was diagnosed. He has been a blessing and a half. He has never changed his passion, attention, devotion, love for me and believe me, he could have and I would not have had anyone to blame but myself. We call out my demon or monster because you know I love my horror. HA!
So much patience, conversation, observation must be had. He is also my rock, my second pair of eyes. Lover, advocate. It is a something more powerful than a blessing. I've read too many stories about partners leaving because it is too much. Most fold immediately. For many reasons I am sure. Not addressing the "elephant in the room" never helps.
I know about your situation and empathize with what you're going through. That must be difficult. I'm glad that you're not alone and your husband is so loving and supportive. It always saddens me to hear about families being torn apart from "the elephant." I don't blame anyone from leaving, as it's not easy to deal with. It makes me feel grateful that I have a solid support system.
❤️❤️🔥
This was beautiful to read. I love the elephant in the room analogy and how it empowers you + removes defensiveness. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much, Priya!
Very moving piece, heartfelt and honest.
I'm sorry for your chronic pain. I hope that you have more good days than bad and that by sharing and being honest with personal stories like this you take comfort in the support it brings.
And remember, your husband is your husband because he is your husband. You both found and chose to be with each other, which is wonderful.
Thank you so so much, Nathan. Your words are very comforting. Definitely, we sure did. After almost 10 years of trials and errors, it's safe to say, we're with each other for life.
That's lovely to hear!
Marriage really is "in sickness and in health," isn't it? I've thought about that a lot lately, both because of my own chronic back pain (which prevents me from writing sometimes, darnit!), and my husband's RA. We support each other as best we can. It's refreshing to read your honest words, Nadia, and know that others out there are trying to make the best of it, too.
I'm sorry you both have to deal with pains. I imagine the load is even tougher for families where both couples struggle. And I wish you both so much strength. I wanted to share a perspective as someone dealing with chronic pain but to also shed light on caretakers' struggles too. They deserve compassion and understanding as well.
They sure do! I feel like I know this very well from both sides.
Hugs <3
👍👍
Really beautiful story, Nadia ❤️💞 I wish I knew more about what you experience. But your husband was and is destined to you and you are each other’s story.
I appreciate you, Lara. Your sweet words warmed our hearts so much. I definitely think so too. After all the struggles, it was a heaven-sent for us to find each other.
Wow your empathy both for yourself and your husband as caretaker is 👌👌👌👌❤️
We try. It took us years to adjust and adapt. Haha. <3
life changing perspective swap. 🍦
Thank you Jean!
I'm with you every step of the way through this piece, Nadia - the pain, the defensiveness, your husband's caretaking, the human cost of chronic illness, the 🐘 - I've seen and felt glimpses of all of these, not just through the last year of my husband's chronic illness, but a lifetime of chronic anxiety, and homophobia. I'm lighting a candle for each of us and joining their flames in a third for all people who experience this (I'm thinking/reminded of Lyle McKeany & his daughter too...) Peace and 💛 to you sweet Nadia.
I'm sorry for all the awful experiences you had to endure. And I wish you much strength and peace and light in your life. I know the bad comes, but I hope it doesn't stay for long.
Very touching, Nadia. Thank you for sharing your experience in such an open and vulnerable way.
Thank you so much for reading, Mike!
I’m late to this piece, but it resonated so deeply, and I’m very thankful to you for sharing it. My other half lives with chronic pain, since being hit by a car over a decade ago—so I suppose I’m your husband in our situation. There’s definitely our life before, and our life after, clearly marked. Looking back, it’s been quite the dance that we’ve tried to choreograph—me trying not to be overbearing, to allow him his experience, to attend to him, but not to get lost in him. At times we manage really well, at others it’s like having a third person in the relationship; who neither of us want there (this is the elephant, I suppose). I wish you & your husband the very best, and take comfort that there are others out there, lovingly navigating these things.
I'm sorry you and your partner are in this situation. That can't be easy for either of you. And yes, I understand what you mean about a third person being in the relationship. Dang third wheel no one asked for. Haha! Much love and strength and patience to the both of you.
Nadia, I love this piece. It made me think of an older couple, probably in their late 80s, I saw in Portillo’s a few weeks back. She was using a walker, and he had an oxygen tank on wheels, and neither was getting around too well. I noticed them when he was helping her to stand. It was obviously difficult for them both, but she reached down to lift the tube for his oxygen, and they moved like either one would be lost without the other. I think some people would see this as sad. But I think that it's beautiful. These two people have someone willing to do whatever they need, regardless of how difficult it is for them. My wife Trina and I share this kind of love, and I think you and your husband do as well.
Thanks for sharing this,
Dave
Dave, thank you for sharing that with me. It made me tear up. I feel sadness for their struggling, but maybe also comfort that they're together and helping each other. That's what partners should be doing for each other. I'm glad you and your wife share that kind of love full of compassion and support. That's always a blessing!
This was such a candid and hopeful piece of writing. So glad you have someone wonderful in your life who supports and understands you and I know you enough to know you are a great caretaker of him too in many ways I’m sure.
Thank you so much, Kristin! We support each other as best we can.
Nadia I hate that you are sick and suffer every day. Any chance you will ever get well? Not me either. I just have chronic absolutely unending back pain since labor or late pregnancy and lost my doctor when I moved I don’t think I can do it much longer….treat chronic pain now some of bitches doctors! But you sound worse than me and I am so sorry. And you have better coping skills! And wow you are a terrific and kind reader and inspiring. Thank you and may you heal or feel better today and tomorrow….
I'm so sorry you're dealing with the horrible pain and doctors who don't have your best interests in mind. It really helped me to look for doctors who are internists, or internal medics, or integrative doctors. Those who specialize in internal medicine seem to have a compassionate and holistic approach to healing. It did take me years to find good doctors, especially know how to find good doctors. I'm not sure if I ever will heal, but I'll keep hoping. If I can manage it better, it will be a blessing too. Sending you love and strength.
Thank you Nadia! I wish you a pain free elephant day tomorrow and an easy night, I am so happy you have a loving partner who is not going anywhere! So happy fur you for that. My daughter takes care of me a lot and I hate that but I cannot do a lot of things...I need a doctor before fall! Thanks for your tips. Is always lovely to talk to you!
Thank you so much, dear Jennifer! I wish you all the best too. May you find the right care and be relieved from pain. Your daughter is wonderful. I'm sure you both take good care of each other.
Yes :). Thanks Nadia!